Peculiar Texts
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: Or, the many texts of the Victorious gang that are probably far beyond abnormal. / Chapter 2: In which Beck and Jade are secretly dating.
1. Chapter 1

_Peculiar Texts_

or, the many texts of the Victorious gang.

_Chapter 1_ - Beck/Jade, set during Beck Falls for Tori

beck: hey babe

jade: what

beck: so loving

jade: i'll give you a kiss if you get to the point

beck: i'll take you up on that  
beck: anyway  
beck: would you be opposed to the idea of me in a dress

jade: are you trying to tell me something

beck: NO  
beck: i just  
beck: never mind you'll figure it out

jade: o...kay  
jade: so am i allowed to come over now or

beck: can i take you up on that kiss offer

jade: yes

beck: then yes  
beck: see you in ten

/

jade: oh my gosh BECK

beck: what?

jade: is this  
jade: is this something to do with cat's new like dress up obsession

beck: what? no!

jade: are you CHEATING on me

beck: with cat  
beck: jade you know i love cat as a friend but  
beck: are you serious

jade: ...okay never mind but seriously beck what do you want me to think

beck: that i would look very handsome in a dress

jade: you have hair on your legs

beck: yes thank you capillary obvious

jade: you are WORSE THAN VEGA  
jade: ugh why do i date you again

beck: because i bring rainbows and unicorns and sparkles into your bland and boring life

jade: ...right  
jade: please you are as bland as wheat thins

beck: i LIKE wheat thins!

jade: that should tell you something

beck: yeah well  
beck: you're as morbid as the boys' bathrooms at HA

jade: is that seriously the most morbid thing you can think of oliver  
jade: WOW i need to educate you

beck: jade have you ever BEEN in the boys' bathrooms at HA

jade: yes but can we please not talk about it

beck: oh my - jade i forgot about that hahahaha THAT WAS HILARIOUS

jade: never speak of it

beck: the look on your face though

jade: i SAID NEVER SPEAK OF IT

beck: okay fine calm down babe  
beck: but seriously  
beck: best thing ever

jade: i hate you

beck: you do not  
beck: anyway you will find out about the whole dress ordeal soon enough  
beck: and it is NOT AN OBSESSION

jade: and once again you bring up the dress thing  
jade: i'm starting to think that i should be concerned

beck: shut up  
beck: do you think my legs would look good in a dress

jade: no

beck: so loving babe

jade: look i do NOT want a boyfriend who looks better in a dress than I DO

beck: please babe no one looks better in a dress than you do

jade: so very true  
jade: glad you've seen the light

beck: you are my light

jade: stop now before it gets worse

beck: it is the east, and jade is the sun

jade: good to see you know your shakespeare; now quote another, considerably less cliche line for me please

beck: ...i bite my thumb at you sir

jade: ugh why do i even tolerate you

beck: because i am the best thing ever no literally i am the bomb

jade: yeah cause you make things explode  
jade: mainly me with anger

beck: rude

jade: yup  
jade: so romeo

beck: let our lips do what hands do

jade: and how long did it take you to google that

beck: ...totally did NOT google that

jade: right i totally believe you  
jade: then, do my lips have the sin that they have taken from yours?

beck: GIVE ME MY SIN AGAIN

jade: you kiss by the book.  
jade: ok seriously this is getting freaky and also why are we texting when you're right in front of me like seriously what are we

beck: amazing  
beck: but you know how romeo and juliet ends right

jade: don't we all

beck: thankfully beck and jade don't end that way

jade: we hope, at least

beck: JADE

jade: yeah calm yourself and come be a saint or w/ever

beck: way to make it sound appealing

jade: i do try

/

beck: jade  
beck: jade you love me right

jade: um you could say that  
jade: why?

beck: so even if i do something slightly ridiculous to help out a friend, you won't break up with me?

jade: um duh  
jade: unless you're like swapping spit drops with alyssa vaughn because then bye bye oliver

beck: JADE NO I AM NOT

jade: it was a joke you may want to reinstall your 'sense of humor' cartridge beckbot

beck: not funny jade

jade: please oliver i am hilarious  
jade: i'm assuming this has something to do with your dressession

beck: what

jade: dress obsession i SHORTENED IT okay  
jade: are you and shapiro and andre all going to wear dresses and do like that christmas dance from mean girls

beck: ...what this is just getting worse

jade: i think it'd be rather amusing

beck: the mere fact that you've pictured this before  
beck: you amaze me sometimes

jade: yeah i am pretty amazing

beck: it's just... a favor

jade: oh my gosh does this have something to do with VEGA and her stupid movie issue problematic thing

beck: um i gotta go... eat doughnuts with um... my dog

jade: WE ARE NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS

beck: i say we are

jade: beck oliver get back here right now  
jade: fine i'll be there in twenty

/

jade: oh my gosh beck  
jade: you look ridiculous  
jade: and yes i'm aware that you can't read this but that just makes it funnier  
jade: you look like... i don't even KNOW this is the funniest thing ever and especially since everyone ACTUALLY BELIEVES that you are vega the gullibility of people it's amazing  
jade: i really hate you for doing this for vega but at LEAST i have blackmail material

beck: jade please tell me you did not take pictures

jade: i did not take pictures... um

beck: please tell me you're not serious

jade: i'm serious and i sent them to cat so she'll probs post them  
jade: but before you change i want a pic with you

beck: why

jade: HELLO i am your GIRLFRIEND and also i find it a bit

beck: don't finish that

jade: and also you've taken like five hundred thousand with tori-loser  
jade: but seriously take a pic with me babe

beck: ugh fine but only cause i love you

jade: good to know

/

beck: can't believe you actually pushed tori off a ledge

jade: i warned you did i not  
jade: prolonged exposure to tori makes me do these things  
jade: and besides she's perfectly okay

beck: sometimes i literally don't understand why i'm so in love with you

jade: because, like i've said ten thousand billion times before, i am amazing  
jade: i don't get how everyone ISN'T in love with me

beck: i'll have to second that one  
beck: dinner tonight?

jade: you buying?

beck: as always

jade: then i suppose i'll show up

beck: see you there then

/

beck: you look gorgeous

jade: don't i always  
jade: better than tori in her stupid dress or

beck: of course

jade: no wait let me rephrase that  
jade: better than YOU in your stupid dress

beck: ...after careful consideration i'm going to have to say yes

jade: 'careful consideration'

beck: your snort was unnecessary

jade: your face is unnecessary

beck: this texting is unnecessary  
beck: get over here

jade: yeah yeah i'll take my time

/

**A/N: so i got this idea and couldn't let it go. i just love them okay.**

**other chapters will include all of the victorious cast, but this one was just bade-centric ;) please review for an update, and don't fave without reviewing!**


	2. Chapter 2: Secretly Dating?

_Peculiar Texts_

or, the many texts of the Victorious gang.

_Chapter 2 - _In which Beck and Jade are secretly dating.

beck: jade  
beck: jade  
beck: jade jade jade jadeeeee

jade: oh my GOSH beck would you stop texting me  
jade: tori is looking at me with suspicious eyes

beck: ...suspicious eyes

jade: yeah they're like black holes  
jade: they'll suck you in and consume your soul

beck: hey that rhymed  
beck: sorta

jade: either stop texting me or tell me what was SO important that you felt the need to text me

beck: wanna go out later

jade: to where

beck: a place

jade: i knew that, idiot

beck: i just want to spend time with you

jade: yeah but if the idiot legion sees us then we're screwed  
jade: you know what happens when THEY get involved in our relationship

beck: jade you do realize that tori fixed our relationship once

jade: oh so now you think i'm bitter

beck: what

jade: sigh  
jade: i'll meet you tonight  
jade: we'll go incognito

beck: idk what that means

jade: of course you don't  
jade: and don't use acronyms; you look stupid  
jade: not that you don't usually but moreso than normal

beck: offensive

jade: stupidface

beck: you love my stupid face

jade: ...debatable

beck: we'll debate it tonight over sushi balls

jade: whatever

beck: :)

jade: you are SUCH a pedophile

beck: how do you even

jade: bye loser

/

tori: jade would you stop texting i'm trying to have a CONVERSATION with you

jade: oh is that what this is  
jade: all i heard was the sound of nails screeching across a chalkboard

tori: hey!

jade: hay is for horses  
jade: funny though, since you look like one

tori: JADE

jade: yeah that's my name

tori: who are you texting

jade: why do you care

tori: BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU

jade: no you're just typing furiously  
jade: be careful; you might break that pretty little pink phone

tori: ...you are the most frustrating human alive

jade: you should really talk to beck more  
jade: except really don't

tori: are you talking to beck

jade: ew no

tori: then why bring him up

jade: because he's an idiot obviously  
jade: anyone who let this hot girl go is an idiot  
jade: now excuse me i have to go vomit in my mouth

tori: why

jade: because i can see your face

/

tori: andre  
tori: do you think jades acting suspicious

andre: jade what no why is this a trick question ARE YOU PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS

tori: ...what

andre: what was the question

tori: I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO JADE AND SHE KEPT TEXTING SOMEONE

andre: you know, i hear that tennis helps shake off all this pent-up anger

tori: ill hit you in the face with a tennis racket :(

andre: excuse me i think i have the wrong number  
andre: sorry jade

tori: but andre seriously  
tori: who would text jade

andre: i would

tori: ...

andre: aw c'mon half the school has been in love with her at some point; maybe she's got some hot piece of bread and is toasting him after school

tori: sometimes i wonder how you even come up with dis stuff

andre: i'm TRYING TO HELP YOU is that not what you wanted

tori: youre supposed to be a jadexpert

andre: who is jad

tori: I COMBINED JADE AND EXPERT STOP JUDGING ME

andre: funky chiz

tori: this has nothing to do with german sausages

andre: ...do we know that for sure

tori: OMG andre im going to text robbie

andre: have fun with that muchacha

/

tori: robbie

robbie: FEMALE  
robbie: sorry  
robbie: um  
robbie: hi tori?

tori: never do that again

robbie: SORRY  
robbie: WHY ARE YOU TEXTING HIM TORO  
robbie: sorry that was rex

tori: has rex turned into sikowitz...

robbie: i think sikowitz is secretly rex's role model

tori: um okay  
tori: anyway  
tori: do you think somethings up with jade

robbie: i dunno  
robbie: she DOES seem less vicious than usual; she hasn't embarrassed me in front of the middle schoolers lately.

tori: ...

robbie: MIDDLE SCHOOLERS ARE VICIOUS!

tori: i was so very wrong 2 text you

robbie: you're probably right.

/

andre: beck my homeboy

beck: andre my pinata

andre: what

beck: oh sorry i thought we were calling each other weird words...

andre: oh ok

beck: is something wrong  
beck: sorry i meant is something wrong dawg

andre: NO  
andre: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

beck: sorry for asking...?

andre: DO YOU KNOW IF JADE HAS A BOYFRIEND

beck: how would i know  
beck: she won't even talk to me

andre: SHE SAID IN HER BLOG POST THAT SHE CALLED YOU LAST NIGHT

beck: um whoops  
beck: bye

andre: BECK OLIVER  
andre: BECK FLUFFY HAIR OLIVER GET BACK HERE  
andre: YOU'VE GOT SOME TALKIN TO DO

/

beck: did you know that andre is actually pretty smart

jade: ...what the HECK did you do beck oliver

beck: ooh full named, seems like i really messed up this time

jade: PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TELL ANDRE ABOUT US

beck: babe calm down already i told andre nothing  
beck: he kinda... he kinda guessed

jade: AND YOU CONFIRMED IT  
jade: I HATE YOU WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

beck: he just thinks that you have a secret boyfriend  
beck: and he thinks it's kinda suspicious that i lied about speaking to you  
beck: that's all

jade: that's ALL?  
jade: beck you might as well wave a sign in his face that reads 'jade and i are secretly dating'

beck: really  
beck: do they sell those in stores

jade: NO YOU IDIOT THIS IS NOT GOOD

beck: thanks i had no idea  
beck: you know jade  
beck: if i didn't know better i'd think you were ashamed to be dating me

jade: as if  
jade: if anything it's the other way around huh

beck: babe why would i be ashamed to date you  
beck: you're the most gorgeous girl in school and the most interesting  
beck: in fact i'd shout it from the school rooftop if i had the chance

jade: do that and i'll drown you in the pond, 'sweetie'

beck: i'll take you down with me, 'honey'

jade: we are so messed up

beck: i love you

jade: good to know  
jade: skip class w/me tomorrow?

beck: ?

jade: aw c'mon like you pay attention during class anyway

beck: ...i am a good guy ok

jade: honestly

beck: janitor's closet?

jade: always

/

cat: jade! :)

jade: what

cat: tori told me something reallllly interesting, kinda like robbies new glasses or my brother's new pet seal... hehehe!

jade: what IS it?

cat: tori says that YOU have a secret boyfriend!

jade: and you believe her?

cat: well you HAVE been acting weird!  
cat: you wont even take me to get ice cream anymore :'(((

jade: why does that emoticon have three mouths

cat: WHY DO YOU HAVE SECRET BOYFRIENDS? :(((

jade: i don't  
jade: if i take you to get ice cream will you shut up

cat: YAY! I LOVE ICE CREAM :)

/

tori: beck

beck: that's me

tori: andre says youve been acting wonky

beck: please i'm the least wonky person in the world

tori: ...  
tori: he says you & jade have been talking

beck: yeah we're friends, what's your point

tori: my point is are you dating jade

beck: that's not a point  
beck: jade and i broke up, man, don't you remember?

tori: i'm not a man :(

beck: you're acting like cat

tori: omg i am not  
tori: do you promise

beck: um sure of course

tori: works for me :)

beck: but um speaking of jade  
beck: have you like talked to her lately or anything

tori: ...no, is something wrong

beck: of course not  
beck: just  
beck: um bye

/

tori: YOURE RIGHT becks acting all wonkylike  
tori: he sounds like robbie and robbie like  
tori: robbie cant keep his wonk under control :/

andre: yeah yeah i know the feeling  
andre: ooh that's a great song lyric

tori: WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A MINUTE

andre: that too

tori: omg  
tori: what do you think is up with beck!

andre: idk man maybe he's like bffs with ~jade~ and she told him about her secret boyfriend and he's jealous and chiz

tori: why does jade have ~s around her name

andre: IT MAKES HER LOOK ALL OMINOUS-LIKE

tori: how do i get myself into these situations  
tori: ok anyway  
tori: since when do beck & jade even get along, much less tell each other about their secret lovers

andre: y'know maybe i'm jade's secret lover  
andre: i mean wouldn't that be the plot twist of the year

tori: yeah and maybe youre from mars :)

andre: maybe i am  
andre: maybe i have a spaceship and i travel on the weekends

tori: yeah that would explain why youre always at my house wanting to watch movies

andre: ...the secret lover thing is still plausible

tori: yeah not really

andre: so can i come over now and watch a movie or

tori: ...no

andre: :(

tori: fine get your butt over here :)

/

cat: robbie :)

robbie: cat, i'm in class

cat: IT'S IMPORTANT! :(

robbie: fine, what is it?

cat: sooo i was in class and then this one guy, this guy who likes to eat lollipops all the time during class, anyway he spilled something on the ground and like, we had to clean it up, so the  
cat: sorry character limit :)

robbie: CAT, WHAT HAPPENED?

cat: don't be so impatient robbie :(  
cat: anyway they sent me to the janitor's closet to get a mop - HEHE, that's a funny word - but i tried the door and it was like, locked :( and i SWEAR i heard somebody in there!  
cat: im not crazy! :(

robbie: i know you're not, cutie  
robbie: maybe it was jade and her secret lover!

cat: you really think so?  
cat: i DID hear someone say 'same time tomorrow' so... :)

robbie: if this is jade and her 'secret lover' then we can catch them!

cat: exactly :) tell tori, then she'll tell andre :)

robbie: sounds fun. won't jade be angry?

cat: jade will be angry anyway! :)

robbie: so very true.  
robbie: you know cat, you're actually really smart.

cat: awww that's cute! :) (i think. is it?)

robbie: ...i gotta go, cutie.

cat: aw okay! bye robbie! :)

/

robbie: so cat overheard people in the janitor's closet today.

tori: omg! and...?

robbie: jade wasn't in class.

tori: andre says beck wasnt either...

robbie: ...BECK wasn't in class?!  
robbie: you don't think...

tori: im not saying anything  
tori: BUT everything does look kinda suspicious...

robbie: she said they're meeting there at the same time tomorrow.

tori: SO we attack?

robbie: i can't skip class though!

tori: just say you have to go to the bathroom  
tori: you always have to go to the bathroom :)

robbie: NOT TRUE!

tori: so true

/

jade: so a repeat of yesterday today, y/n?

beck: that would involve skipping class two days in a row

jade: your point being?

beck: i'll be there

/

andre: robbie where ARE YOU man

robbie: I'M SCARED.

andre: if you aren't out of that classroom in five minutes i'm coming down there and saying your mom is here to drop off your rash medicine

robbie: BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

/

tori: omg andre  
tori: can you believe it?

andre: nah girl  
andre: they were secretly dating behind our backs for all that time...  
andre: dang they're good

tori: doubt i could pull it off that well lol

andre: me too

tori: HEY thats offensive  
tori: anyway jade seemed rly upset

andre: yeah i saw  
andre: i felt kinda bad for her

tori: idk what to do

andre: just text her

tori: do you want me to be deheaded

andre: the word is beheaded

tori: whatever!

andre: can i bbq it

tori: what

andre: never mind  
andre: if you're so concerned about it just text her muchacha

tori: yeah yeah whatever

/

tori: hey jade

jade: bye

tori: you seemed upset before is everything ok

jade: everything's just peachy, vega. is that what you wanted to hear?

tori: is something wrong with you & beck

jade: go. away.

tori: jadeee  
tori: im sorry!

jade: don't be.

/

tori: hey um beck  
tori: is something wrong with you and jade

beck: no  
beck: she's not even here now

tori: um can you like call her or something and make sure shes ok  
tori: you know tell her you love her or something

beck: you're really weird

tori: ANDRE SAYS NORMALS BORING

beck: ...ok

/

beck: hey babe, i love you

jade: if this is the part where you get all cheesy, can i fastforward it

beck: no  
beck: but did you really think i'd let people's opinions come between us

jade: you did before

beck: dumbest decision i ever made

jade: k

beck: want to come over?  
beck: i miss you

jade: you saw me like, an hour ago

beck: your point being

jade: i hate you

beck: do not  
beck: come over

jade: fine fine whatever

beck: :)

jade: love you too, freak.

/

cat: robbie the janitor's closet is LOCKED again! :(

robbie: ...don't try to open it, cat.

/

**A/N: In part inspired by one of Laura's lovely blog posts on her blog **_badeontheslap. **Kind of weird, but I did include more characters this time so.**_

**Please read and review for an update; don't fave without reviewing!**


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